I hit Enter

I have a sleep problem. He weighed in at a little over 7 pounds when I started writing this post, but by the time you read it I’m sure he will have packed on a few more ounce. His name is Eli, and he’s real cute.

See cute.

Anyway. If you happened to email me (which none of you have yet, so now is a good time to start) you might get a reply at some weird hour of the day or more likely night.

On Tuesday evening of last week, the Discipleship Pastor of the church we recently joined (and that I’m interning with) emailed me at 11:00pm to ask if I might be interested in teaching on the weekend in my connect group (aka Sunday School) as the teacher needed to be out. I have attended the class only twice, and really don’t know the people at all, though a few of them have brought us food since we had the baby. The food was wonderful.

I missed the email for a few hours until I was casually up in the middle of the night with the aforementioned baby and glanced at my email at 2:55am and read it. A flood of emotions hit me.

How long has it been since you taught?
Do you really think you can do that?
What If you’re rusty and these people don’t think you’re good at it?
What if you say something stupid?
What if you DO something stupid?

If you entertain anxiety and allow it to take root, like a rabid beast it can devour your every thought. But even though this opportunity to do what I love, what I’m CALLED to do made me immediately question myself, I didn’t let anxiety win. I barely even let it in.

I quickly keyed in my response on my bright little phone screen and took a metaphorical step back to read it.

“I know I’m new but I would love to teach!”

I read it again. A third time.

I hit Enter.

Goodbye anxiety. Goodbye fear. I don’t want you anymore. I want life, and love, and passion, and joy. I had the opportunity to teach this week. And without sounding over-confident, it went amazing. I misspelled things on the dry erase board. I spilled my orange juice in front of the whole class. I made them laugh, and I taught them God’s Word. And I loved every second of it.

I’m not fixed. I’m not suddenly cured of any depression and anxiety that I will ever experience. But I am on the right track. This week I did something I hadn’t done in at least a year. Something that God specifically made me to do. And when I was standing up there in front of that class, ready to get started I didn’t feel nervous, or anxious, or scared. I felt like I had been on the longest road trip of my life. One that took me all over the world, but one that was finally coming to an end.

I felt like I was home. And it felt good.

If you struggle with anxiety, or depression, or self-confidence I hope you realize that it’s ok to feel like that sometimes. But it’s also okay, good even, to tell it to go away, and to go live your life. This past week, for me it was simply hitting enter and letting my email reply fly away into cyberspace. It might not be that easy for you. But I hope that it is.

Let me know what you’ve been struggling with or how I might pray for you? I need to read some more comments 😉

9 thoughts on “I hit Enter

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  1. Darren, you may never know how EXCITED I am to hear you are back at it! I totally rejoice with you! Many times I find myself missing how easy & enjoyable it was to dig into the Word with you during youth or home group.

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    1. Thanks, Lisa that is such an encouraging thing to hear 🙂 Your family will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. I need to make it out to see my camp Akiva folks sometime soon!

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  2. I LOVE this and can relate!! I suffer from anxiety and unfortunately it hits me with an area I feel I’m best at which Is work! When I have to lead a meeting, make difficult decisions, engage in conference calls, etc…I can feel the anxiety overwhelm me, literally! My face and neck turn red and I suddenly go blank, completely. It’s awful and makes me want to run. I have learned over the years that I must jump in with both feet, without thinking and not over think it. To use your term I just HIT ENTER and go with it. I have gotten so much better over the years but it never goes away completely. I feel for any who suffer from this as it is a real struggle.
    I am proud of you for jumping back in to what you’ve been called to do and having the courage to do so! Your students are blessed to have you:). Love you!!!

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    1. Nanny! Love you so much! I would have never guessed that you suffered from anxiety at work. Everything I have ever heard about you at the office is that you’re a rockstar. But I’m encouraged that someone else that is in such a prominent role in the business world suffers from the same thing I do. I agree, feet first seems to be the best way to about it! Don’t let the brain catch up and talk you out of it!

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  3. Glad to hear you hit ENTER! I think that will stick with me 🙂 The older I get the easier it becomes…I put my worries and anxieties into prayer and POOF they are gone! I have sent them to God and my peace is pretty much instant! That seems to be the hardest thing for some people…even believers. Thanks for sharing your moment and I pray that you have more opportunities to teach. Love you guys!

    Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7

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  4. Thank you Andrea! I kind of have been doing it my whole life, so I’m glad it came across that way. haha

    You all are easy to know! So my comfortability with you was 100 percent yall’s doing!

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